Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
