can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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