I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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