hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
