I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
