My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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