I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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