If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
