I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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