is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
