if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
