Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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