ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Let's paint friendship bongs
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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