i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
