In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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