Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
