so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
