I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
