the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize