I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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