im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I fill condoms, not promises.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
