You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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