wanna go halves on a baby?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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