the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
