I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
