i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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