I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm at about main and main street
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
