tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
