Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
