I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
