I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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