Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
