I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Pooping to opera.
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