If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
