i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
and she was petting her beer can
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
