My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
