Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
