Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
