I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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