Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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