I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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