today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
