we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
two words...techno handjob
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
