i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
