My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
