Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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