Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
