I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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