Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
My feet surprised me
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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