So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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