Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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