don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
