Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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