were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
