Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
