Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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