I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
