im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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